and this is why I hate my dad. He got 25x more angry with me when I wanted to drive a different route then he suggested to get to his house (more scenic- thus more enjoyable) then he did when I told him I was driving drunk with 4 people in the car and I got my 5th speeding ticket last night.
6 figure salary? he just got a little cuter.
he's mad because you were 'slandering his penis'.
That's cool, I just have to let the dogs out AND SO HELP ME GOD IF YOU TEXT ME BAHA MEN LYRICS WE ARE NOT FRIENDS.
at the hospital. he locked himself in the kitchen, said he was making beer batter shrimp. don't know if it's the mercury poisoning, alcohol poisoning or second degree burns they're holding him for, but i've got a pretty guess.
He just walked into my room in a robe with a cooking pot of cereal.
Well you really should've thought of that before you painted your walls the same color as your toilet
so the good news is that i can't possibly burn my eyelashes off tonight at the bbq.
I miss the time when Mondays weren't the new Thursdays. I can't drink like my 17 year old self anymore.
Just got cockblocked by my GF's wedding shower... That's a first. And I have to buy a gift.
She sent me nudes via email. What the fuck are we still in the 90s? Grow up
Went as "Party on, Wayne." And left as, "Partied out Wayne in a foot boot with new medical bills." Fuck Halloween...and vodka.
How much weed should I buy my mom for her birthday?
Listen, i know this is weird for you, but as your fuck buddy, id prefer if you didnt fuck her.
Youre asking too much from me
He jerked off some dude with a slice of Wonder Bread.
The sports guy?
Yeah. They claimed the bread made it hetero
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