I was so high last night. I wrote a poem about my salt shaker
Yeah I'm about to go down a waterslide that comes out a 2nd story window. I love college.
i don't know how it's possible. but i just bought groceries for a week with the money i made off returning empties
The shit I just took made me regret every life decision leading up to it.
You christened everyone with a powdered doughnut and then tried to absorb vodka with your nipple.
Um...It has come to my attention that I may have said some rather vulgar things about Sean Connery to you and anyone listening last night, so...I apologize for that. I meant the things I said. But still. Sorry.
There's some band that practices next door to my apartment. I'm thinking we may need to check that out. I could be like, "Hey boys, thought you might like some lemonade and vagina."
Are you wearing clothes?
Fuck no, who do you think I am
I almost went home with him but then my hydroxycut fell out of my purse at the bar and I ran away
the best part of christmas was when my mom opened the handcuffs that were supposed to be for jen. Surprisingly, not the most awkward situation of the day.
She said she is going to be sex-slave version of Princess Leia for halloween. You think there is any way I could pull off an attractive Jabba suit?
If you get laid dressed as my dad that makes me extremely uncomfortable
My puke in the shower morning just turned into a puke in the restroom at work afternoon. I'm the human embodiment of dumpster fire.
Was make out with a 38 year old lesbian on our bucket list? if it was you can go ahead and cross that one off.
He said they were his favorite shoes.. So I threw one down the sewer. Now he'll keep searching the house for the other one. Sweet silent revenge.
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