Tears do usually get me what I want. That and oral sex.
dude there's automatic no homos on brad Pitt and Leonardo dicaprio. Everyone knows that
i mean i should have known that when i started taking shots with my zumba instructor i was in for a rough night...
3 girls crying in the bathroom at the bar. Its like a Christmas song
I'm pretty sure he told me he was sterile and I told him I was on the pill. The positive pregnancy test I'm holding in my hand right now tells me that at least one of us was lying.
Come over and play the Jeter 3000 drinking game. You drink if the commentators say "captain" or "3000". I'll drink if they say "overrated" or "past his prime".
Wow way to turn my death into an oppurtunity to get laid
you vomited through the snorkel and onto the back of your head. it was truly amazing
And on the seventh day, God carefully sculpted your cock to fit perfectly into my masterpiece of a vagina. Then he rested. Look it up.
I just had a fifteen minute conversation with a Raccoon by the garbage bin. I was feeding it chex mix.
I just smoked a bowl with the lady who runs the special olympics. Your move.
On a separate note, I just found out some condoms aren't vegan. Problem.
Hahahaha I can't wait for you to ask "wait. are there any animal by products in that?"
I'm sitting at dinner with my family looking over sexts. The thirst is far too real. They're talking about retail and I'm like haha, yes, you are all correct.
And then she said "welcome homeeeee!!!" As she got off. Best thing about being back from Afghanistan
I'm not dropping acid and watching game of thrones with you. That just sounds like a disaster waiting to happen.
Randomize
