Just set all my clocks a minute apart. Now my 4:20 is longer by sixfold
Yeah, you spent an hour in front of the mirror trying to reenact the Sailor Moon theme song.
She celebrated a negative pregnancy test by going out to Quizno's. I really don't understand her at all.
I'm pretty sure we've had sex a bunch more times than we've hugged. So hugs are weird when they happen.
Woke up to sesame street reruns and a $62 pizza bill. Never again. I mean it this time.
i just got painted green i'm not about to leave for anything
I was fingering her, she was moaning, and we were singing Mulan
I think the duck is in my room. You have no idea how much worse a duck makes a hangover
He had seven beers and tap-danced on the table like a pro. HOW DOES HE DO IT
My Saturday dick is so much more impressive than my Tuesday dick.
I asked the subway guy how many cookies he thought I could smuggle into the bar. He said it looked like a 6 packer. he was correct
why do all the dudes in this porno look like billy ray cyrus
Asking for a friend: is it frowned upon to eat pizza while you materbate or does it just mean you are fantastic at multitasking?
fuck you
also please return my underwear, they were one of my favourite pairs xo
I just realized I'm having shark week, during shark week.
Randomize
