I just heard a girl in all seriousness say, "I told him I'm not a stalker. I just really really want to talk to him."
i have a dinosaur tramp stamp
He measures volume by how much weed he can put in it and surface area by how many people can have sex in it.
I need to stop drinking. Side note- we have a party bus tonight. So the drinking will have to end after that
She thinks she's a fairy, dude. A real fucking fairy with wings and shit.
I flashed a party boat full of Asians yesterday, didn't I?
Imma do me. And by that, I mean I'm going to walk across campus still drunk at 9am on a Tuesday.
She was pouring Goldschlager in my mouth during the shower sex. How can you NOT like her?
He stopped in the middle of having sex to ask me what shampoo I use. Apparently my hair smelled good
I'm gonna go ahead and say I love our drinking habits but anytime we roundhouse a 750 of Schnapps on the way to a non competitive bowling league we might have problems
Did you clean his pubes up off the table yet?
Your drunk naked friend is roaming the living room. Started roaming my room. Please come retrieve him
I met her parents last night. Her dad smelled like weed and kept yelling "I HAVE ALLERGIES AHHH MY EYES ARE BURNING!" During dinner It had to be good weed he didn't even know he was yelling.
B. I found a note on my phone and all it says is 'Fuck yeah im a racecar'
I gave him a hand job in the parking lot... now he thinks we're meant for each other...
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