I was high as a kite when I got pulled over by a cop and he asked me for my ID and if I had been smoking weed, I said no and gave him my debit card.
sometimes i wish i was the girl in a porno. that way if i couldn't get any, i'd just order a pizza and do him.
we're drinking boxed wine and eating string cheese. It's like a wine tasting for poor people.
I love Welcome Back Week...No I wont accept your god but i will accept that hot dog
Im sick of reading dumb tattoos while having sex
Maybe I need a light up heart over my vagina like Christina aguilera to get the point across
The freshman sure do fuck up the whataburger line at 2am
its hard to take this fight seriously when one dude is an oompa loompa, and the other is a "g spot"
His apology was sex and a subway sandwich. Strangely, I'm okay with that.
Even though we had just had to physically take her off of someones lawn she was peeing on when they came outside, she still insisted on walking unassisted the rest of the way home. It was dignity meets shit show.
He pointed at some girls and said "I'm gonna have sex with them girls over there", and disappeared.
Haha keeping the dream alive until Chinese New Year. I'm jobless with stitches in my face.
I knew full well that at some point during the night my penis would be out with this costume choice
It's getting harder and harder to fake orgasms as I get older.
Just witnessed some guy throw his fake eye at his dad's face. Actually, he whipped it at him.
Randomize
