What the hell am I supposed to do with 50 gallons of mayo?
He said he only talked to me because I talk dirty in bed.
im pretty sure i just dented her unborn child.
I wish I could save this moment forever and have sex with it regularly. Its just tht beautiful.
Of course, I believed he would find me irrestible...sloppy drunk, chugging from a bottle of chardonnay, and completely naked because those kids stole my clothes as I was swimming on their private beach
the only reason you beat me in fntsy this week is bc you wouldnt bail me outa jail in time to set my roster you dick
When she talks to me all I hear are 5 generations of inbreeding speaking.
Please don't be alarmed by the blood on my arms and phone in the morning. It's not mine.
This guy just tried to hit on me on facebook. His most recent listed education is middle school. This is my life.
I actually bought food at McDonald's as an apology for what I was about to do to their bathroom.
The drunk mom in a firefighter hat just told her to leave.
I'm high and I have a consensual booty call on the way and just thought that it was a good time to let you know that I think that you are a stellar person.
Free stuff before I even put his balls in my mouth like wow great start
Happy hour crawl turned into power happy hour turned into tequila shots turned into I'm drunk in class on Cinco de Mayo at 7 am.
His abs are so defined he looks like a human xylophone.
Randomize
