I'm about two and a half drinks away from gay.
I'm coming over.
i just told my mom tuesday boozeday rhymes so that she can remember not to text or call me on wednesday mornings
youre going to kill that woman one of these days
This is the way my sobriety ends: Not with a bang, but with a whimper.
i think the doormans mad at me
well we haven't pretended to pretend we were going to have a threesome with him for a while...
There's a wake for a coworker on 420 during te time of 420... Hoping everyone will be too sad to notice how high I am.
Complete silence. Background Willy Wonka music. An empty back of Lay's BBQ chips. These are the ingredients for an extreme acid trip.
I just found that video of you jumping onto my exercise ball feet-first and face-planting into my shoe rack.
I just stole some rubbers from the girl I stayed with last night so I can use them on a different girl today..
He went out to smoke and when he came back I was still in the same spot naked and unable to breathe.
All I could say was, "ladies and gentlemen, THIS is why I drive 30 mins"
I tried to break it off with the married one. He offered to pay off my car.
The side bitch struggle is real.
I think his dick was bigger than his dog
Well at least I will forever be known as the girl he ate out on the lifeguard stand while people walked by. On the first date.
I sent him a topless photo and he complimented my eyes. I'm not sure if I'm offended or pleasantly surprised.
She made me undress her with my teeth...explains the button in my shit this morning...
Girl behind me in line at CVS was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan B soon she might be a mom and that if we couldn't tell she'd be a horrible mom
Randomize
