He ran five blocks just to watch me and my best friend make out. I think he's a keeper.
As we were fooling around he told me he was conceived on this bed like it would turn me on.
It never makes you rethink your life choices when you're breaking into my apartment at 3 am to take a piss in my kitchen sink?
My only objective is to get drunk enough to forget the last 364 days.
I wanna get shitfaced and yell about Tim tebow
I just woke up in my ex-boyfriends bed, with my new boyfriends jersey on. I love March maddness.
Also, if you all get arrested i'm coming to laugh at you because i don't have the money for bail.
omg i just made best friends with a deer. Im like the drunk santa clause.
I was about to attempt a citizen's arrest on my RA
Masturbated before I came into work and now the finger scanner won't clock me in. Fuck Valentines Day.
I'm hoping my engineering degree will pay off when I invent porn watching in the shower
Does your body have a liquid mass index? does that make sense? I think I drank it in Long islands.. Kill me now..
Pretty sure I got at least one girl to question her sexuality at the Christmas party last night
i think we sleep fucked last night...
Stupid Covid-19
The universal cock block of this decade
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