May have just accidentally purchased an iphone on Kate's credit card. This has potential to be bad.
In hindsight, i should have predicted that a drink called the 'rocky mountain bear fucker' would not end in a pleasant experience
He had a stripper pole in his bedroom. I didn't know whether to be impressed or creeped out.
both the worst and best vomit ever... it was extra chunky and thick cause of the sausage... but it also tasted like delicious sausage... also cause of the sausage
Stoned ambition #8. Must learn sign language.
Theres been so much buildup for our genitals to meet, one or both of us is sure to be disappointed.
Dude. The only thing that I use less than my dick is my tennis racket. We need to play.
He woke me up at 5am to recite nursery rhymes to our fictitious unborn child.
You took off all your clothes to try on her fur coat and then punched me when I said you couldn't wear it to bed.
The security deposit's gone, let's trash this motherfucker
Things you Cant unsee: When your smartphone syncs to your dads laptop and downloads photos...including his porn stash.
Trying to ignore the fact that a kid I hooked up with twice just gave me spare keys to his house ... and car.
I've reached the last of the wine in my cup so now I have to sit up in my bed to get it through the crazy straw
Well, I could just slap my dick to my phone and see what it says
Once upon a time I threw up in my own hands last night.
Randomize
