I woke up with the wrong plaid-shirted guy in my bed.
You lit the bowl with a rolled up paper towel that you ignited on the stove.
I wonder if he just picks random boners to send or just the realy impressive ones
I haven't shaved in at least a week, he said "obviously neither one of us was prepared for this"
Apparently I grabbed her ponytail and cut it with an exacto knife.
She had me dip my balls in cake batter ice cream from cold stone and then tea bag her. Let's get weird just got a whole new meaning.
So the doctor told me that I am starting to showing the early signs of liver cirrhosis. Thank you Jack Daniels for making the first 26 years of my life awesome.
I feel like if tampons weren't meant to be microwaved, they'd have a warning on the box, so we should be okay...
I keep jumping up and down in front of the mirror naked. The only motivation I would be to stop and put clothes on is if you come over. Hurry.
You know you have done too many drugs when you gum the sugar off your margarita without even thinking twice
We need a fire pit. Meat. And a keg.I mean like a cow we just carve from. And cook it. We can use the milk from the udder to make White Russians
I broke my foot jumping out of YOUR window under YOUR watch. You failed me drunk guardian. You failed.
The highlight of the trip was definitely my dad telling me that I "used to be his prettiest daughter."
I or someone else dumped a lot of glitter into my boobs last night.
i am risking my non lesbian vagina for your needs. i better be the best friend you ever had
Randomize
