you rearended a car with your bike and then puked all over his back windshield. They made BUI's for you.
I was eating her out when she coughed, I just swallowed a bright red blood clot
Just looked in the mirror and i look like ive been gang banged. Im so proud of my boyfriend it almost hurts
I am getting drunk. And i'm going to paint my face and slide down the stairs like Pochahontas. Goodbye
The to do list extremely baked self wrote for me last night says "1. Join gym 2. Passport? 3. Join a gym" And then just a drawing of a squid
Serious questions. Who is that girl? Why is she wearing a tiara? And why does she keep asking about penis piercings?
Some guy just ate one of the dog treats. I have him a free beer. I love my job.
We were hunting our best friend with a BB gun in the backyard. I'd say the vaporizer was a worthy investment at this point.
I held the blackjack dealer's hand and told the old asian woman she was 'soft to the touch, but cold as ice"
Of all the things I've masturbated to while high, my favorites are ritz chips and trees
I thought I was bad, the girl next to me on the bench was feeding a bush a hamburger and introduced me. Only at lollapalooza.
He's like a computer from 2001 in a 2014 world. It just doesn't work. Lots of glitches.
Whatcha doing tonight? Reply TURNUP if you are drinking, or STOP to cancel messages
The fact that we all screamed by Felicia to a bitch actually named Felicia will be a highlight of my life
That's MADAM THUNDERCUNT to you
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