using no condom is gross. my vagina has a dress code.
nothing says happy birthday like half a tampon wrapped in someone else's hair on your shoulder.
I told him next time he kisses her to remember where that mouth has been...
How'd that go?
Hes on his way with a baseball bat...
Fuuuuck. Forgot it's October. FYI scarecrows are gonna fuck you up when you're driving high
I came home ate all of my roomates poptarts and then vommited on her duvet cover. I don't think today is the day to suggest the whole "sex instead of rent money" idea
thanks for the bloody nose. you probably dont remember, i'm not mad.. only because your boobs are to blame
While the bouncer was checking my purse, he found a bag of pasta noodles in it and asked me why I put them in my purse. I said to him: "So the guy knows I can cook."
Chicks, chicks everywhere, and not a drop to drink. Dude, when did real life lesbians get HOT?
He got hit with a horseshoe, set on fire, fell out of a tree, and puked all over the side of his car, all before midnight. Everclear.
I'm daydrinking whiskey in a princess hat
I feel like I should treat myself every time I find out I'm not pregnant. Is there a pie company that delivers??
Crying while I'm pooping. I think this is rock bottom
How are you supposed to wish the guy you send nudes to good luck for the first day of his new job??
Foreign objects found in purse this morning include: chocolate covered pretzels, pepper spray, and farm animal shaped key chains (you know the ones you squeeze and fake poop comes out, yea those)
ok so you're 100% sure this time that he isn't your ex in disguise again?
Randomize
