I want Jason Statham to talk British to my vagina.
naighbors jacking off again. i swear its his friday night ritual, its like he knows the night wont be ending in his favor
if I could go back to kindergarten and not fuck up my life, I so would.
She just said, "are my livers going to die?"
just found a bag of Oreos in my purse labeled "emergency".
My brother just asked if I would keep having one nighters with that guy because he really likes the organic cotton v-necks he leaves behind.
He may not be fully over his current wife yet. But wait until I show him my tits in his office at the end of the day tonight.
What would you say is a healthy ratio of sex vs. being called a fucking asshole in a relationship?
I seriously want to say to him "Do you know how many blow jobs you could have gotten this summer?"
Tonight I celebrated marriage equality by letting a girl I don't know kiss me at the club.
I'm bonding with your girlfriend. I like her. We're plotting your demise.
If you're doing something that makes your best friend lock you in a bathroom you shouldn't be doing it
She sent me a video of herself sitting in the car stone faced listening to the Titanic song on silence. She won't answer my texts.
"suitors" is just a nice way of her saying "the guys i'm fucking"
This is a hot dog holiday. I intend to do my part for the processed meat workers of this great union.
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