I believe that I finger-banged my way to the top of the corporate ladder.
yeah...i noticed he pets people when he's drunk. It's odd.
How creepy of a mustache can you grow by wednesday night?
Just bought all my wine for the weekend with a check at 11am. I'm almost judging myself.
Her pussy was so beautiful. That's what I'LL miss the most. Not the omelets. You're the roommate, obviously our priorities on this situation are vastly different.
Come to me. Jacob is confessing his love and all I want is a hot dog. With chili. Not love.
I've friend zoned this boy hard. I made him change my nipple rings before he went home.
They were loudly fucking last night and there was way too much conversation involved. It wasn't even dirty talk, it was more like "your doing it wrong" talk
To be clear, the next time I wake up with your dick inside me, I will reach down and grab one and squeeze until it pops like a grape. You've been warned.
I needed 3am water. Not 3am shots of rum.
Bringing my cat to a booty call was not my finest hour
i guess i fuck people who own bucket hats so i can't talk shit
the wedding party just walked in to the song eye of the tiger. i'm getting drunk.
Oh god...Did I just fuck a sugar granddaddy?!
Wait, like drink with real Phil. Or Phil, the cat that sometimes lived in your closet in Myrtle Beach?
Randomize
