I'm drunk in f*****g wisconsin and want to kill myself.
If it's any consolation, be grateful that you're not in New Jersey.
I accidentally asked my mom for a blowjob because 'mom' and 'molly' are next to each other in my address book.
So I fucked that hot french guy last night
You do know he's the one who threw up on our table, right? You get to clean it up.
Why the fuck is BBQ sauce coming out of my shower head?
so how was last night?
got high and had our usual talk about the definition of cole slaw. then tried to call the ramen noodle company and convince them why my face should be on thier packages.
Ok, so for future reference, in Rome, "piano bar" means "brothel".
Ummmmm okay let's be incredibly straightforward. Hi there. My bed's at half capacity this evening. How'd you like to fill it up?
do you know how much drugs we can buy now that you got that raise at work
Pretty sure the shower sex fucked up my hip alignment... im walking like im 104 today
I can't even masturbate without crying fuck this break up
Literally just had a girl put her street name into my phone. Yeah.
Well I smoked some weird shit and I think I peed on my phone.
Next guy I fuck must be a cowboy
He fingered me to the beat of the Fresh Prince theme song... it was pretty fantastic.
oh so have I but I'd still suck a dick or 20 in the name of freedom.
Randomize
