Awkward moment #23: reasuring mom that the bf and I aren't having sex as seamen is running down my leg...
I enjoyed our heart to heart in the trunk on the way to the stripclub
and i'm pretty sure he drank the lava lamp
But life isn't just all about getting drunk & eating chicken strips.
I vaguely remember walking down the highstreet with a plate of K offering lines to passers buy. I sold a line to a taxi driver.
He rode a broom down the stairs while we were mattress surfing. Naked. Buck ass naked. WTF
On a scale of 1 to 3, with 1 being the smallest and 3 being the largest, what size nipple pasty do you think I am?
It's basically the same plan, only step one gets revised to "look hot enough that he forgets I fucked his roommate"
Just successfully made home fries from potatoes we used as bowls while stoned as shit. I deserve a trophy.
I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.
I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"
She's comparing the feel of breasts to shredded cabbage. Weirdest. Grandmother. Ever.
Just wanted to let you know it's 3am and, at this point, I believe your sister has more of my semen in her than I do. So suck on that, fuckface.
I got a 5/5 with my "I don't want a baby" rant essay. She said my use of the word "leeches" was a powerful metaphor :)
Are you proud of yourself?
ask me again when I'm drunk. Then fuck off.
I don't want his dick, I want his flame thrower!!
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