mmm... i enjoy making beautiful women smile
bars should really give you discounts for bringing your own shot glass
Why was I handcuffed to the roof?
It was easier then trying to explain why you couldn't fly
You wouldn't know anything about the tooth on ice in my freezer would you?
Ya well my good-girl image was pretty much blown when he found out I'm going to jail soon.
Then, halfway through our conversation, I remembered what you drunkenly told me last night and was all "maintain eye contact, do not look at his massive penis".
He just got here and all he's wearing is a cloth over his penis.
I'll uninvite my mom
Too many penises have met your hands. Stop or die.
I stared at him for a solid five minutes because he looked like what I imagine god would look like if god was a lumberjack
I'd say it's his fault for never running us through proper protocol for "catching your RA in the middle of him banging some girl"
The annual Father's Day Wake and Bake has been canceled due to lack of hustle.
I ate too many pot brownies and passed out topless with my boobs painted like the American flag
I hate her so much I want to fuck her boyfriend.
I couldn't find my contact solution so I thought mixing toothpaste and water would work
Fursuit judi Dench just stared directly at me for 3 solid minutes telling me that cats arent dogs and i believe her because if i dont cat jason derulo might try to have sex with me
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