You were so drunk last night you thought you force pushed the automatic door open.
I just tried to light a cigarette with a tube of lipstick. If I had stayed in girl scouts maybe I could've made that happen.
It's not weird mascara. I just have puke crusted on my eyelashes.
You seriously looked at the house acorss the street and implied that you thought they had nice Easters.
Thanksgiving break drinking is a marathon, not a sprint, and i need to be well rested
You know, it doesn't really count as a walk of shame if you guys showered together the next morning
Trying to figure out when's a good time to take acid and not tell anyone and see how long it takes people to notice
You were stoned out of your mind. We were eating cold cuts and you wouldn't shut up about how it was the wettest meat you'd ever felt in your life.
she's sitting there like the lesbian godfather. A cigarette in one hand and a titty in the other.
He said I gave him the best head he's ever had and I bowed. I BOWED.
How do you forget making out with a coworker in the dressing room at Sears on more than one occasion?
...object impermanence?
I had to switch to male Siri because I could feel female Siri voice judging me for reading my sexts out loud. Also, the dude voice keeps me in the mood.
Literally told everyone you're my idol cause you ate a chicken nugget off a sword
Trump won PA by a fucking landslide. If only Cruz hadn't eaten that booger.
It's hard not to feel like a terrible person with bruises on your tits.
Randomize
