allegedly i woke up at 5am sat in the dishwasher and peed
I just followed up on a noise complaint...only to find 2 girls in bikinis covered in jello with beer cans everywhere. I couldn't bring myself to bust that party.
I want to be a cop.
Pete just told the whole party I'm a squirter
"I could never have "feelings" for someone who, at one point, wanted to "hate fuck" my face."
And if it was a miscarriage you should figure out whose it was. He must be an alphamale for his offspring to sustain life this long in the amusement park that is your body
I'm a lady, I can't pee on the ceiling. Even I don't have that power.
He fell asleep and I'm awkwardly laying here because all I have to wear is my tutu. I'm pretty sure his roommate is going to be back soon so this should be fun. This is my life now. PS. the background of his phone is a picture of his hedgehog.
Pretty sure I just convinced a drunk guy at the train station that I was from the future
Interesting occurrence: the application I use to keep track of my periods and sexual encounters just notified me it had been over 4 months since you were logged as an active partner and ask if I'd like to remove you from my options. Wow, kmsl.
i may or may not be making depth charges with cough syrup. i'll call you if i survive.
Go makeout with Mickey Mouse so we can get FastPass tickets
I am naked and annoyed.
Do u have any idea how hard it is to masturbate in a CVS bathroom when your name is being called over the speakers to pick up a prescription for painkillers?
They got skeletons in the booths to enforce social distancing.
Thought they were weekend at berniesing that shit at first.
Hot fire fighters installing my closet. Don't know how to go about this. Gonna nonchalantly take my shirt off and see what happens..
Randomize
