FYI-Owning a kitty significantly lowers your chances of ever seeing mine...
They have to be talking about me. I never heard that statement until I was born.
isnt it creepy that our bodies make people
and she's shaped like a lego person so that's not happening
I walked in on him cutting a hole in the condom.
Who was that guy you went home with?
Hang on, I'm trying to ask his name right now.
forgot a fork. i am eating fettucini alfredo with a comb that i rinsed off the the bathroom sink. eating alone in my car. life doesn't get any sadder than this
Sorry, but you probably shouldn't come over. I'm too sober for this.
Hey man, I found your crocs and your visor in the road. Got em for you.
So he noticed that I cut a half inch off of my hair. Guess who just earned himself some road head on the way to the twin cities?
For me the most fucked up part of last night was that I know for a fact that you were sober. But your dancing was a close second.
Sooooooo Your wife and your girlfriend are making cat noises at one another via text
His condition for us having sex was that I wore my show boots. #equestrianproblems
Well it was okay until he pinned my arms over my head and I found the loaded pistol tucked behind the bed... THIS IS WHY WE DON'T FUCK BOYS IN MONTANA ANYMORE
You shoulda seen me try and clean up custard from an eclair off the floor while trying to pretend to be sober for my mom. Fucking hilarious.
Randomize
