I'm shivering and sweating at the same time. Thanks a lot St. Patrick.
Sucks about the cops last night
to be honest when I first looked up I wanted to know who was coming from a costume party..
You will not judge me for my made-up holiday of wine appreciation day
he fucked me to the beat of the construction going on outside my house. i will never look at jackhammers the same ever again.
You know me. im down for anything that could harm my well being. lets dress like dolphins so everyone will see what dicks they are.
So then you challenged the bartender to an arm wrestling contest for a free bottle of vodka
Sweet. Did I win?
Youre hungover arent you?
I was gonna buy a KIA, but then I remembered how awesome the sex was in the back of a Hyundai so I went with that.
I might have snap chatted him. So here's what I need you to do. Find him. Abduct him. Get his phone. View the chat so he can't. Then, buy him ice cream. He deserves ice cream.
I feel as though I look like a mom with a substance abuse problem
Beyoncé wouldn't let anything bad happen here
Hypothetically speaking, at what point does fire become too much fire?
As soon as he called me 'darling' in that Scottish accent... my pants just dropped.
The waitress at the Denny's in usa remembered me from 2 years ago when we went at 4 in the morning plastered, wearing overalls and huge inflatable corona hats on our heads
Unless it has to do with ramen, goldfish, cheese, or rugby, don't talk to me.
there's a bowling ball in the dishwasher and a dog bone in the freezer
Randomize
