Wow.. I was doing a mental check of my bank balance & I literally just said to myself: 'I have 27 dollars and a bottle of tequila til tuesday-ill be fine'
she made me cover her fishbowl with my shirt because she "didn't want to corrupt it."
Mustard is by no means a replacement for yellow wall paint
The dog threw up again, this time IN the toilet. I've taught him well.
I really hope you aren't where I think you are. Dude she has a MUSTACHE. You need Jesus..
My mom and dad are smoking a joint while lecturing me on what to bring and how to act in Europe. I'll finish this glass of wine and head over.
We're trying to decide between cracker barrel an the ER
If people don't want my drunken phone call then TAKE YOUR FUCKING NUMER OFF OF FACEBOOK, like it's just that easy...
You were walking around in your swim suit, an open robe, snow boots and a death grip on that handel of captain morgan.
I woke up to a 3rd person picture of my own dick sent from a 1-800 number..
Had a crazy moment last night. Had to get up, run to bathroom, pop 3 Xanax, sit on bathroom floor and rock myself in fetal position. Not my best moment.
Summer bikini season begins today. I hereby declare the commencement of the 2013 HUNT FOR CUNT.
He plays D&D and his dick should be carved out of marble. I think I'm in love.
Dude!! Who the fuck glued Cheetos to my couch? Bastards!!
If we hadn't just agreed to no commitment, i'd totally propose right now. Best. Fuckbuddy. Ever.
Randomize