The only thing he got me during our relationship was a cum stain in my backseat. I choose winners.
you know you've been in a long relationship when u start retiring sex toys
So....maintenance found the bullethole.....
I woke up with his wallet, but not him. Gold-digging at it's finest.
Well, there goes the no drunk sex injuries resolution.
Can we please stop calling your vagina the cave of wonders?
At the ER. Dropped bottle lead to cut foot which led to me drunk hitting on doctors. Not going well.
I have her designated blowjob hair tie on my wrist. It's like a key to eternal happiness
Also, they sell weed-chocolate covered strawberries. For the romantic stoner.
That was one of the best texts I got today
Guys, Black Friday does not exist in the world of dealing. Stop texting me asking what my deals are.
The date officially concluded on the phrase "Nosh dat vag".
In the pie chart of my life, she is a huge part of why I drink.
A guy in a gorilla mask got blown on the lawn. And then the night got weird.
Happy anniversary, did you sign and mail in the divorce papers yet?
I just woke up with a cowboy hat on my face and a playboy from the 90s on my chest
Randomize
