I'm using process of elimination to determine which of our neighbors i fucked last night.
Its what im here for. Critiquing penis photos.
you were standing in two feet of water, screaming at people walking by to "call river rescue".
You looked like my 4th grade science fair volcano project when you burped. Told you chugging a 40 would be awesome.
The following message is brought to you by IMSOFUCKINGSORRY. Dude I'm really sorry I got you arrested last night. You are allowed to choose a repayment plan from the following options: Money, weed, or a single kick to the balls any time within the next calender months. Repayment outside of the aforementioned options can be negotiated and considered within reason.
If I got to choose how I die, it would be in an Olympic sized pool of gin and tonic.
Surveying the reception hall and I'm fearing the worst possible thing that could ever happen...this might be a dry wedding.
.,.,you might have to leave
So I can officially say that someone has licked whipped cream off my nipples. Go senior year
Apparently I was drunk enough to call he police station and ask if there was a problem with me.
I'm sitting in my car avoiding a customer. Apparently the new year hasn't affected my attitude nor work ethic
What do you bring to an "I'm getting divorced party?"
.......Shattered dreams and tequila?
You had all day to plan ahead & get mixers, so whose fault is this sobriety?
Either it didn’t do much damage or I’ve lost all feeling in my asshole
why does every cop we meet know your name?
Do you think it would be weird to wear a shirt that says 'big fun small package' from an ex for a first date?
Randomize
