I think i ate a live goldfish last night. that i caught with my hand in a kiddie pool. my stomach really hurts.
I've been at work for less than an hour and have pooped twice already. That's what happens when you start sleeping with your roommate and don't want to use the bathroom at home anymore.
I ran out of diet so I'm mixing captain with a juice box. Being a mom has finally paid off.
Just saved her as "new hostess that randy banged" ...I forgot her name
I have 11 glasses of water and one beer on the table infront of me. Have to keep going to different bartends to get more. There are only two though and I think they've caught on
Foreign porn with subtitles is a little disappointing.
she wrote "need hug!" on a sticky note, put it on her back, and passed out on his bed. they're trying to figure out how she got into his room...
she just convinced the cop to buy us ice-cream sandwiches. best/worst stoned experience ever.
Between the dance party in the car and the distraction of the momma bear and two cubs im a cops wet dream roght now when comes to wreckless driving.
My Grandma made me promise not to drink more beer, so I'm chugging wine.
multitasking: i'm now sitting up and smoking my joint.
Had to decide between a hook up at the train restroom or getting to work on time #growingup
I don't think I've ever met a guy with a bush bad enough that I would choose a cactus over it.
The reason why I poison my organs is so that you guys can't sell them.
I went to a swingers party and came home with a boyfriend. I love my life.
Randomize
