You got kicked out of the strip club for spilling a tall boy on the stage and when the bouncers came to take you out you told them that they should probably go clean up your pee in the back corner cause they didn't seem to notice that
I have vodka an food stamps. At some point today, that will undoubtedly turn into jello shots.
On the plus side this hangover is the tipping point that finally convinced my lazy ass to get some sunglasses.
How do I tell my child he was conceived on a barstool in South Alabama?
Woke up this morning with my period. Saw a commercial for the beginning of Shark Week. I see what you did there, Mother Nature. My pad's off to you.
And is it bad that I haven't talked to guys who I haven't already dated? I feel like a recycle bin.
You were sending me snapchats from a bathtub with your beer helmet on and your boobs out.
My car windows are covered in lube. Happy 4th of July!
They're either celebrating their tax money or trying to kill each other.
Come over. And we'll put iced coffee in the bong.
Spoiler alert: my plans for Halloween are going to make our dealer's birthday look like a bunch of mormon ladies having a scrapbooking circle
Well let me fuck you while I make potatoes. It's every girls dream
Why the fuck was I face down on the floor with you mounting me like a horse anyway? I'm so confused
I have to close one eye, because I don't wanna see two movies, I only want to see one.
We were high and the scary movies were scaring us too bad. Were all watching porn instead now
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