you called me at 4 in the morning to tell me that your toaster burnt your english muffin, and that you "fuckin hated that thing."
2 bagels in my tummy and my herpes on my mind
Shaving your vagina at 8 months pregnant is not an easy chore.
I don't give a shit about soccer but I'm really excited about drinking at 7 in the morning
The freshman next to me just said "I was rocking out on my way here to Dave Matthews..." I wish I would have passed this class the first time.
I woke up with a random mailbox in my room with a note that said "this should probably be returned. Happy Thursday!"
had my ear almost bitten off in foreplay. the sex gods do not like me.
Amazing. Super drunk. We stole a street sign in a golf cart and went around jousting trash cans all night.
Its like a zucchini between his legs. An orgasmic zucchini.
Just so you know, if I get bored tomorrow I WILL pretend to get drunk in the bathroom and crash the whole thing
I've come to the conclusion all of your awkward and complicated male encounters could easily be intercepted by a man town Yankee candle and a vibrator. Sleep on that tell me your thoughts in the morning. Sweet dreams.
No one will ever find true happiness until they have gotten stoned and taken off the bra they've been wearing all day.
You, my dear friend, are a poet of the deep mental longings of women worldwide.
I don't want sex or anything I just really need someone to appreciate how shiny my hair is
If you think hives from an allergic reaction to lube is funny, remind me to tell you the story about how I got a black eye from masturbating.
I'm slowly getting to where I don't hate people anymore.
Never mind. Some random dude just walked past me and asked if I was having fun. I snarled at him. I might still kinda hate people.
Randomize
