ive had 594 apples! thats 99 apples 6 times! math!
Sometimes when I see pregnant women, I wonder what position they were in when they got knocked up. Then I gag a little.
The bartender told me the best pick-up line was to look deep into her eyes and tell her your gonna flick her vagina
you told him you liked to chip your nail polish to look like different countries. im gonna guess that no, you didn't sleep with him.
I could get a dump truck for 1000. Think of the possibilities.
Youll thank me when youre dead an dont have a cat eating your face
There was a trampoline and tequila. It was glorious.
I heard them banging and it sounded like he was trying to stuff a fucking coconut into her
I'm having post-experience "why didn't I fuck her in a public bathroom" regrets
I'm so hungover I can't taste anything
Well. I mean as excuses for running late go, 'losing track of time in the bathhouse' has gotta be up there on the top ten.
I can check masterbating in China off the bucket list.
I know it's wrong but I'm human. Now get over here, tie me up, feed me pizza and Fuck the crazy out of me. Please.
Update: they told me I was twerking to twenty one pilots
Dude you were so wasted you thought a fake electric candle was real and tried to light your cig with it. Multiple times.
Randomize
