Everytime I think about NYE, my gag reflex kicks in.
They're drinking Schnapps out of Spaghetti-o's cans. Please come pick me up.
Taking jello shots out of a big bowl from a measuring spoon. holla atcha boy.
Why does my right nut always hang lower than my left nut?
I'm sorry, but the way we fuck, they don't make condoms strong enough not to break
I lost a little respect for your boyfriend when I learned that he has a scar from a Cheerio.
Is "incoherent" a legit goal to strive for tonight? Or should I stay sober enough to fuck who I can?
She looks like she smells of sausage, sunblock and sorrow.
I just licked a piece of cheese off my phone screen if that makes you feel any better
Imma do four shots of whisky within two minutes and pass out. Otherwise this'll go badly.
I'M IN A SPINNING VORTEX OF SELF-HATRED AND HORNINESS
He usually doesnt care about me cumming but last night he really tried, I feel that him going to the Womens March benefitted my sex life
You need a new phone. When you talk it sounds like the teacher from Peanuts while she's trying to give a blowjob.
anything below 65° is too cold to be naked on a roof
Greetings from Florida; the armpit of the US, where my 240something lb brother nearly got carried away by some aggressive woodland mosquitoes. I was only spared because they could probably sense I was currently semi-disassociating and would not feel the suffering their presence wrought.
Anyway, how was your day?
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