Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
You ran away and I found you three blocks later lying by a dumpster because "that's where your life belongs"
is it possible for your nipples to fall off? if so mine might. they hurt so bad...
I thought I would take a shower to wake me up but now I'm naked wet and stoned laying on my bed instead of just stoned laying on my bed
Thanks for last night. Sorry if i was obnoxious. I respect your morals and i wouldn't want you to lose your virginity to a drunk girl in your mom's prius.
You have to stop getting hammered and preaching about that mission trip to Haiti.
All she was asking was for you to describe your coat so she could get it, but you kept yelling at her so the security threw you out.
I offered you a bag but you said "I gotta break in the new carpet" and you puked all over the floor
Just got gas in my car for the first time while high. Went better than expected.
Sometimes while peeing I'll go hands free, put my arms up by my chest and make claw hands, and pretend I'm a new type of dinosaur called Dickosaurus Rex.
I had one glass of wine then passed out for 4 hours. It's like I'm having a quarter-life crisis.
Your dick is going to fall off. Be careful or you'll get callouses. A workingman's dick.
I got his number because he was "impressed with how much I could handle"...I was chasing shots with Olive Garden breadsticks...
I am naked, and drinking straight gin with a flat tonic chaser. I had such greater hopes for myself as a child.
yea...tonic water is fucking gross.
When I type "sleep" my phone suggests "with Trevor". My phones an asshole.
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