You burnt your salmon and tried to mail it. Post marked to: Starving Kid in Africa
I just had a flashback to last nights party, I'm pretty sure I told most of the people there that I post a masturbation schedule for an iCal download.
It took 5 minutes to find my bra.. in his car.
I had to help you off the toilet floor because you couldn't get up, then you threw your drink on the floor and just said "oh dear" really calmly.
Apparently I'm at the point in my life where I can wake up with a dick in my face and then go back to sleep
I get off at the next exit which doesn't have a shoulder, a guy is riding my ass so I cant stop. I think I got as much puke on his car as on mine.
i'm almost positive she was a dude but like it doesn't even matter
re read what you just said
You were naked with a chalice of Skittles vodka, singing along to Les Miserables.
So both cops helped talk her into coming back into the bar and doing a shot with me. The main argument being, "a bar is no place to be sober!"
Sex with him is like pizza, it can be shitty but its stillll pizza.....
I'm going to get old and fat one day... probably pretty soon and I'm not going to have any pictures to show to my cats of what I once looked like.
She told me she was the Publishers Clearing House of Dicks. Two dicks a day, everyday for life.
Thanks for wearing matching bob ross shirts to the bar with me and referring to every guy as a happy little accident
I like shiny stuff tho if that’s an emotion
Sober sex is weird like I didn't expect this when I got clean
Randomize
