I tried to give up sex for lent. It feels weird that on easter I'm this excited to be a whore again
Awesome. Ask her out.
Nope. She's got a detail of ed hardy security around her.
we got so high we spray painted his girlfriend's UGG boots. she's CRYING. it's hysterical.
Whenever I said your name you screamed polo and did another shot.
I had a dream that I got a gift certificate to a lavish spa from my father. I think dream dad, along with real dad, think I'm gay.
Postcard from jail please. Reserving a spot on my fridge.
A kind stripper put a blanket over me last night
i hope this doesn't spoil anything but there are vikings and it is awesome
I just woke up to three dick pics. Apparently in my blacked out state. I was asking for them as the new valentines day card.
Due to the events of st patties day last year I created a moral and ethical policy so that I won't get kicked out of the bar again. It mostly consists of not wearing pants so then I don't take them off at the bar.. and subsequently get kicked out.
He's the second guy this morning whose job is jeopardized because of my vagina.
You were running around waving the flier in everyone's face and thats how we ended up in a church eating free breakfast tacos at 3 am
I wore my Gollum shirt. It struck up a conversation AND got him staring at my boobs. That's a win-win.
If he refers to me as slump buster one more fucking time.
I'm not gonna lie, but for some reason I have this strong desire to watch porn with my pint of haagen das.
Randomize
