bar tonight had a doorbell to get in and last night i saw my neighbors fuck on the balcony, she wore a nurse outfit. Missouri isn't so bad...
So we've decided on 'hamburger' as your code for tonight. If you add ketchup or fries, we know the threat level has escalated.
i have a $600 bill for my ER visit in which they did nothing but suggest to me that i am an alcoholic.
That was the scariest sex i've ever heard....
It was the best sex i've ever had.
the lady next to me just sniffed my hair, smiled, and then fell asleep. I almost started crying from that kind of creepiness
don't cry, we can learn from her
The bad decision stars are too close to aligning to risk this tonight.
Nothing like the It's a Small World ride at Disneyland to remind you to take your birth control. I took it on the boat yesterday
Jk. Anyone who everbeers with me is my type.
I spent the morning naked in her roommates closet because her parents decided to come over after church..
I just realized I'm currently not eating carbs, drinking alcohol or having sex. 2014 is off to a horrible start.
Will you rub my calves while I masturbate?
There I was, puking into the toilet, and he was rubbing my feet, buck naked. I feel like a drunk Disney princess.
Apparently when cookies are around I think of myself as a puppy and reward myself for everything #WhoIsAGoodBoy
Is it in poor taste to drop acid before midnight mass?
I love this.
Pretty sure my aunt hooked up with one of my brothers frat brothers at his graduation party
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