My hair reeks of homosexuality.
I convinced a girl to do a shot of salsa someone fell through the whole on the porch and Sara swallowed a beer tab
He offered to take me out to a nice dinner but I told him I would rather he just pay for my beer this weekend
I had to throw up. it was the only way to avoid kissing her after she swallowed..
Apparently as I was doing the walk of shame home my dad's date was on her way to hers. hoes come in all ages these days
He told him to "throw up in my mouth like I'm a baby bird."
Called my dealer in tears and we talked for an hour until I felt better. That's the way it should be.
Every time I there's a break up, I'm left with an animal. That's it. No more mutual pets.
We all make mistakes. Just lock them up deep down inside your mind so they can surface as weird sexual fantasies it takes your therapist years to decipher when your 40
the cab driver said that we weren't the worst shit show he'd ever seen, CHALLENGE ACCEPTED!!
my throat is bruised, my back is scarred, my vagina feels like it's going to fall off.. you're like godzilla. you destroy everything.
Man. Apparently I blacked out between the 4th margarita and my air mattress. Asleep in my jeans at 10pm. Mom outdrank me again.
Like don't initiate a threesome when we're all watching SPONGEBOB. That's like sacrilege.
My neighbor came out@4am in a pink nite gown n clotheslined a punk on a mo-ped w/her mop handle, then just walked back in her house like she just checked the mail. MILF 1 PUNK 0
I just got a text giving me an hour window for when my vibrator is gonna be delivered. If that's not awesome customer service, I don't know what is.
Randomize
