mutual masturbation is only cool if cash money records is involved.
drunk at some random house party. come get me. i thought i pulled my dick out to go piss... it was my left nut. im soaked.
he made transformer sounds every time he changed positions. how do you think it went?
she wrote "SORRY" in her vomit and left
U shoulda just taken her to a stall and banged her and let me watch the game. Some friend u r.
My wedding band has saved me from at least four cases of herpes tonight.
Your roommates boyfriend just approached me while I was working to tell me about the staph infection he got on his face. Where do you find these people?
Just re-gained consciousness in the freshman girls dorm. Normally this would be awesome but I'm on the floor surrounded by chicks doing their homework. This makes me uncomfortable but I don't think they know I'm awake yet. If I b-line for the door can you come get me?
Throwing up so forcefully that toilet water hits you in the face is not what the Pilgrims and Indians had in mind for this holiday
He dodged my hug and greeted me with a fist bump. I slept with him the night before. The only thing worse would have been a greeting by chest bump.
True love is when you jack off and continue talking to the girl you like
Why do you text me weird shit like this?
A bee came out of the shoe box and stung her. Even the insect community doesn't want her in those hideous things.
Gez, you make a couple noises and all of the sudden your the loud girl.
Your liver needs more exercise - we start training tonight.
I think I fell asleep on my pizza last night. Damn, I am sauccccy.
Randomize
