every time i get drunk at her place i end up leaving with nothing but an empty box of toaster strudels..
I got to work, greeted my staff, then went into the bathroom to throw up. Who hired me to run a business???
Also, just saw a homeless man answer a phone call on a blackberry...
I'm actually agreeing with glenn beck. What the FUCK was in that margarita?!
look up what dreaming that you're in a lesbian relationship with a manatee means.
We were trying to sober you with hotdog buns but you refused put half of it in your bra and said you'd save it for later
got my wristband ripped off, was told i can only be served water. please find me, i'll be running through the fountain
Dude, you chugged an entire bottle of tomato sauce and got us free drinks for the night. No way was I gonna stop you.
I mean it was like cry my eyes out or masturbate in my moms bathroom.
I am lonely and I want to touch your beard
After being his wingman last night, I've decided I will never talk about becoming a lesbian ever again. Picking up chicks is way too hard.
How do you respond to a booty call from yesterday?
I think I fell in love with her when I saw her kick a freshman in the chest
In the morning when you read your texts, just fyi you showed up at my house drunk off your ass and shoe less and demanded I go to the bar. You need Jesus.
I’m drunk and naked and looking for my charger - title of my autobiography.
Randomize
