she's leaving w me bro, I've been buying her mad shots. She's seen my apt. So locked down.
Did you know you could bring s cooler of beer to the nail salon?
We're having a serious conversation and I just responded to something he said with an emoticon. I am so baked.
I cannot start working out. If I start to look better, I'll ruin ugly women's chances forever. So, really...I'm doing them a favor...think about it.
struggle bus is officially taking me on a road trip to hell. If this is just the first destination, I'll jump out the fucking window.
Liquor doesn't fix sad, but it sure as hell lowers my standards for a rebound.
I feel like cursing someone's first born child right now. Like I wanna maleficent some bitch.
The cop that got shot in the dick is here, let the entertainment begin.
I have no idea why my husband is mad that I came home at 4 am & all I want to do is eat spaghettios. It's not fucking spaghettios fault.
Stop calling him just to say, "my vagina misses you."
He made me cum via FaceTime, then he made me look at his stock investment charts..
He corrected my spelling during sexting.
I still don’t believe you, the dog DID NOT tear down the shower curtain and shit on the floor.. we found you in the fetal position in the bathroom holding your tequila gun. It was you!
Tell me I'm drunk and you have to come get me. It's usually true. They'll believe you.
We all love a big dick, but you’re going to develop a reputation if you keep asking every guy at the bar ‘how big your dick’
That’s all I’m saying
Randomize
