It took my four years to get this degree, and 4 hours to lose it, My parents are not impressed.
basically theres shrimp everywhere. splattered on the walls, in the carpet, its bad. ohh theyre never gonna get the smell out.
New development. Drinking at work is so easy and awesome I might have to do it everyday.
I think the camel was justified in biting me.
the welcome home hickey he left on my boob is really gunna put a damper on the rest of my thanksgiving hook up plans with the rest of my ex's
Just had an old man tip me two dollars and say "here put this in your baby fund, you'll have a baby someday" I swear this is gods way of saying GET ON BIRTH CONTROL NOW!
Somebody found our where I was and called the bar looking for me. When the bartender called my name I finished my beer and took off like a fugitive.
Dude if it is ever said "everybody get inside the police helicopter just showed up.". That means it was a successful party.
Apparently stumbling across interstate bridges is not cause for concern but screaming Wookie noises at cars is. Thanks, cops.
DAMMIT Im supposed to be running a company not discussing dick piercings!
I have enough bourbon in me to put Justin's cat in the dishwasher.
If that orgasm indicates how the rest of the year is going to go, I need to buy rain boots.
When did we go from stumbling drunk into an ER at 3am to dinner double dating?
I would say don't do anything I wouldn't do, but we both know I forget about my personal safely when getting laid is on the line
Literally just took 6 shots in the shower..I’ve got this.
Randomize