I just found that girl ____ on facebook, her activities include "church nursery" yikes
I'm dreading the fact that when the dominoes guy comes, he will ask me if i placed an order under the name "high as shit".
He gave a passionate hug to every tree on the way to my car.
She texted me and said she was fingering herself. Don't respond to this because she's the perfect girl. I'd love to smell her cell phone after that.
I assume you meant to text someone else on your contact list instead of your own mother...
i would think by now you'd realize that my penis does whatever the fuck it wants and i have no control over the situation
I can feel the fear and stress bubbling in my stomach. Or maybe that is the pregnancy.
His lack of social graces and moral fiber complements mine nicely.
When they send me to rehab, I'm screaming your name down the halls.
Stay positive! You think people like sad vaginas? NO! You'll get some!
STOP HOOKING UP WITH SOCCER MOMS! YOU ARE RUINING MY REPUTATION!
So we are in the middle of sex and his brother knocks on the door and says "dude I just wanted to know if you want to see the fish I got tonight"
He called me for phone sex. Do you know how hard it is to fake an orgasm, and play Candy Crush at the same time?
There's a set of buzz lightyear wings in lost and found at work. I just need access to your roof.
Have a booty call at 3am, stopped for tacos at 2:30. It's 2:55 and I still haven't ordered but can't jump the curb to get out of line because there is a cop in front of me. What am I doing with my life?
How do I sound like a lady while communicating the fact that I want his dick in my mouth?
Randomize
