we need to go to the store. i'm tired of having bud light for breakfast.
do you want me to pick up budweiser instead?
Every morning i wake up and check his twitter like a horoscope
stayed up to watch the sunrise..saw an albino taking shots on the quad..it's like there's a whole new world of people out there just waiting to meet us
Just tried on my bathing suit for the first time this year. Had to drink a beer to numb the pain.
In the memo line of the check she wrote sexual healing.
Dude this stripper just dry humped the settings off my phone. She earned that dollar
Got some good news and bad news about the hayride this weekend.
The good news is its still on, the bad news is we don't have any hay. The best news, if you drink enough you won't give a fuck that its just a trailer.
First thought today, I need a ventriloquist dummy that looks like me. This week's project has been determined.
Now that there's no chance of him coming over to fuck anymore, I'm going to put up a one-person tent in my bedroom and live in it. My bed reminds me of him.
Don't bang him. The amount of Jack Johnson he listens to is embarrassing for even a white person.
No one suspects that a sweet girl who is excited about her anniversary with her bf just blew her partner at work in a communal area a few hours ago, so its cool.
Nothing like a false "my-dad-found-my-weed" alarm on Christmas day.
He didn't get how "starting a flash flood in my thunderhole" was a sexy euphemism. Deal breaker.
Gotta wait until my full time offer is confirmed before I try to fuck the mid level manager
Also we had sex while listening to fleetwood Mac on vinyl. Like the 70s called and told me to fuck off
Randomize
