The only thing I want to hear out of a girl's mouth tonight is, "slurp".
Mom found my vibrator. all the said was 'wow, I've never seen one like this before.'
we don't live in the stone age anymore, mom
for real. he might as well bring dogs if they're lower than a 7.
There is a keg full of gin. THERE SHOULD NEVER EVER BE A KEG FULL OF GIN.
You force fed me chocolate chips and avocados for 3 hours and kept asking me about my trip to sweden when I was 4.
I'm hungover and surrounded by children and Republicans. What did I do to deserve this?
Sitting on the curb by new england comics with a weeping drunk girl who's eating french fries saying she'll never be as successful as her sister the hand model. She's scaring the nerds.
he was too drunk to climb up my loft. i owe my beating teen pregnancy to four pieces of steel
All I know is I was bleeding, she was bleeding, we stole someone's Lucky Charms, and then I made you guys order a pizza
You mowed a straight line through three yards because you were, and I fucking quote, "In the zone." I think they know.
I think I was just hit on by Jesus Christ. This is not okay. Bad Touch. I NEED AN ADULT!
Calm the hell down, it's just stoner Bob.
In your alcohol circus, can my act be juggling men? Let's be real, I can juggle multiple dick buddies better than a professional
How does one get out of sexting without being rude? I'm trying to watch Downtown Abbey
How does one take the "you're the best sex I've ever had but I'm marrying someone that's sub-par in the sack" mind fuck?
I pity the fool.
Thanks Mr T.
He bent me in ways I couldn't imagine.. and im a gymnast.
Randomize
