I miss having pregnancy scares ....at least i knew i was having a good time
The stoners next door have their couch on the sidewalk again, shirtless, soaking their feet in a baby pool and listening to loud ukulele music. I want their life.
What kind of person begs for a BJ from someone who just got their wisdom teeth out?
The future queen of Norway was pregnant with a druglord's baby when she met the prince. We still have hope.
I just met the neighbor hes a self proclaimed coke dealer/ softporn producer.
You can come over, sure. But I'll be watching college hockey during the blow job.
Why am I the only one concerned that there's a dog in the movie theatre?
You showed up at my apartment after 3 am wasted with a plate of cookies and tried to hook up.
Sorry about that. Except for the cookies.
For someone only wearing socks and a cast, I felt reallyy overdressed
Got home last night and found a Big Mac in the shower, tampons all over the place, and two pairs of your panties on the front porch.
To be clear, the next time I wake up with your dick inside me, I will reach down and grab one and squeeze until it pops like a grape. You've been warned.
I JUST HAD A FLASH MEMORY OF DOING A SHOT OF WHISKEY WITH MY BEER YOU WERE SUPPOSED TO PUNCH ME IN THE FACE TO PREVENT THAT FROM HAPPENING.
Downloaded the Pocket Penguin app. There are now penguins living in my phone. Technology is wonderful.
The annual Father's Day Wake and Bake has been canceled due to lack of hustle.
I woke up in an ill fitting childs tutu this morning and the shower curtain is knocked down. Wtf happened?
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