Hey I found your number in my phone i dont remember how we met this is richard btw
strange i dont have your number must have been a drunk thing
could be more
absolutely not
My liver just broke up with me...
someone was throwing condoms at us.
no, they just magically show up around you.
You asked my mom "who the fuck drives four hours to sleep in a guys bed and not touch his penis"
I am actually insulted by the long string of ugly, fat girls he hooked up with after me.
Buying weed with grant money. God I love college. No other time are we presented with these opportunities.
the doctor said its the kinda of pregnant you dont recover from
Stories of my weekends have cause divorces, are you sure you wanna hang out?
All I remember is passing out with an umbrella over my head and waking up screaming bad luck for seven years
Yea I saw a friend of yours carrying your limp body somewhere
We weren't even through customs yet, and we got offered weed. You would love Jamaica.
Took his shirt off. Announced he was Jesus. Threw up. Asked me to cuddle him to sleep. And then tried to kiss me. Typical Saturday night.
While the cops were busting my party one of them said. O you have an Xbox? Do you play online? Whats your gamertag?....
Peru was great. He sent me a text after thanking me for my amazing morals which confused me but made me oddly proud...then he texted a correction. He meant my amazing oral. Sadly this Made me prouder. Fuck u bitches and ur morally inhibiting gag reflexes.
No one can touch me, I'm made of fruit.
Randomize