Woke up this morning with one boob drawn on to look like the globe. Questionable?
I just remembered Dan asking me all polite in the middle of sex "do you mind if I get behind you?" that was the most polite way I've been asked to do it doggy style
Breaking personal boundaries is my trademark
I am literally hand feeding my crying ex boyfriend taco bell. What has my life become?
that's why you don't digest questionable powders from girls wearing tutus at a dirty club
First and foremost she's my friend, but she's also a mistake I make when I'm drunk
Went home drunk last night and peed on my Christmas tree, my mothers going to fucking kill me
Are some dicks heavier than others? Random question as I'm feeling mine.
Just got a Snapchat of his dick with the caption 'We miss you.'
That's true love, there.
Our conversation concluded a weekly schedule of casual sex in between classes.
I WANT PIZZA BUT I ALSO WANT SELF ESTEEM
BUT LIKE WHO AM I TO EVER CARE ABOUT SELF ESTEEM
I was chasing pulls of fireball with bites of a bagel and yelling at people to take tequila shots with me. I shouldn't be allowed to go out alone.
Mostly what I remember is someone saying "raise your hand if you're too turnt" then raising my hand and falling
The lowest point of my life has been reached. I just drank half a jar of pasta sauce.
I may be asexual, but I owe you a solid from yesterday. I am a man of my word.
Randomize
