We should takd a huggy cab to snuggle bunnyville
made out with the bouncer to distract him from how illegitimate my fake id is.
just accidentally masturbated with tiger balm. best. accident. ever.
I've come to the conclusion that the only reason I fucked him was because he reminded me of Seth Rogen.
some guy just walked up to the bench i was on, backflipped off of it, gave me his number and walked away....i love this city
I tried to put a seat belt on in the shower. And I'm 80% sure I ate soap.
where did this taco bell managers name tag come from ?
Fucken Tweens. They smelled like cotton candy and hand jobs my nostrils were offended.
My crowning drunk achievement from that night was donating $5 to the Obama campaign.
You're perfect
I put on pants and a bra for you and you never showed up. There is no forgiveness for that.
Plus my fingers were hella swollen from eating all these cured meats so it was like I was given it to her with Hulk Hands on
Apparently I have decided there are no repercussions for my actions
Who the fuck watches Jessica jones and thinks I need to call a past fling?
Im so hungover I just threw up at the sight of a CARTOON CRABBY PATTY
Reverse road head. Sa-witch!!!
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