A guy in a sombrero stopped to take a picture with me sitting on the curb.
She was our DD the least I could do is have sex with her. Even when drunk I'm still chivalrous.
Um....sorry for hooking up with your brother last night...
Actually i take that back. You dropped the whiskey last night and broke the bottle. Were even
Put you drinking hat aside for Tuesday. My buddy is bartending!
I just puked in my drinking hat.
I thought he wouldn't talk to me again. You know, what's that saying "why buy the cow when you can fuck it six hours after meeting"
also, the amount of semen in my carpet right now is unforgivable...
I just look @ having a child spit on you as another form of birth control. I think my ovaries just tied themselves in a knot.
He took a girl home tonight that he was trying to sell a fridge to. She wanted a fridge and got his dick. He's got a talent.
Thanks for letting me rent out your vagina rec room. I don't expect the security deposit back.
Great. I broke up with him before he could like my selfie, now I'm down a like.
I almost don't wanna have sex with her because I'm afraid she'll steal my hat
He pretended his dick was a samurai sword and that he was slaying me with it is it bad I still wanted him to fuck me
Somehow my family started talking about sex toys at breakfast.
He updated Facebook... "Got a new phone today." WHAT ABOUT THE FUCKING KID YOU HAD?!
if you and your penis don't hurry up, I'm getting drunk without you.
Randomize
