I found a vibrator in my car and it's not mine...this is becoming a weird day.
For once I'd like to have a Taco Sunday without having some random drunk chick flee my house half naked and in tears.
We got the possum out of our house. We built a maze with our empty kegs and chased it with brooms.
Pretty sure I was rubbing Halloween candy all over my face and saying "these are my bitches."
My only regret is that I have but one penis to give to your vagina.
I don't think boys are aware how difficult it is to take a picture of your own ass.
there is vodka in my soul right now. The vapor is coming out my nose.
Never use fire and ice condoms with a dude who always claims he "didn't know it was the wrong hole"
i remember going to sleep after the 4th time i threw up this morning and hoping i didn't have to again because then it would be uneven between saturday and sunday. my ocd is getting out of control
Just burnt my nuts with a cigarette. Don't ask. I hate life.
When you're looking for your panties tomorrow, you traded them for a blunt on the train.
Of course I have a pirate flag
Did body shots with a guy... Ended up being the ref of my volleyball game... So that's why we won
If I had any lingering questions about my sexuality, the strip club tonight verified I'm 100% gay
At this point, I would not mind getting hit by a truck. It would mean I could get this over with quicker.
Randomize
