whatever sunny in Philadelphia does on Thursday nights, I'm doing all weekend.
Well the nurse forgot to take all my stitches out, so my surgical tools are peroxide, kitchen scissors, fingernail clippers, a pocket knife, and 11 beers. Let's do this...
there are 5 pictures on my phone from last night, 4 are too blurry to recognize and the 5th is you dangling a twizzler over your mouth, naked.
Indoor beer darts at Rafs just turned into a trust exercise of putting your hand on the wall and closing your eyes while the other throws.. Almost gave Cale a Tracheotomy
But you can still look for dick after you find Jesus.
She's wearing her dead grandmother's pearl on the married finger so no guys "bother her" tonight... I am not THAT committed to Girl's Night.
It sounds like drunken magic sprinkled w narcotics
It was a fight. Me vs nature and drunkenness. And nature won. Big time.
my balls were so many shades of blue last night I could have used them as paint and replicated the entirety of Picaso's blue period. The girl was an art major I feel like this metaphor is appropriate.
On my way home from the dentist. Was going to call and see if you would like to wake and bake, then remembered my sister is an adult
I just want to drink cheap wine and throw my bra at an aging singer songwriter
My boss just lit a candle and said a prayer to get laid tonight ..
I HAVE 5 FELTING NEEDLES AND THEYRE GOING DIRECTLY INTO YOUR EYES IF YOU POST THAT SHIT
I have to choose between charging my phone or my vibrator. This is bullshit.
Just had to read the instructions to my microwave. How am I so high?
Randomize
