Don't look now but I am in class with a mixed drink
Don't look now but my prof just asked me if I was drinking a screwdriver
If a man's penis is referred to as "the family jewels" does that make a woman's vagina a jewelry box?
Idk how she did it. Either she watches freakier porn than I do, or I really need to go get tested.
the spit in my mouth is still 99% not mine.
Housekeeping called in a homicide detective. Just spent an hour explaining that we had vigorous hotel vacation sex five times, even though I was having a heavy flow day. It'll definitely be what you call a memorable honeymoon.
I just bought condoms at Big Lots. please save this text so you can laugh at me in 9 months
Update: still drunk enough to get lost in Zellers and to think my reflection was my mother. Awesome day.
the japanese bartender dressed as a cowboy in assless chaps just told me i was too drunk for another shot
I think the guy I was trying to dance with was an undercover cop...
Like he and the nurses kept being so persistent with it and I just wanted to run out of there in my backless gown and yell FUCK OFF BITCHES IM OUT
This is the third year in a row that Mario has fallen through a table on New Years. I'm sensing a tradition developing.
Saw two pregnant women at court today and I SWEAR one of them said "we had a threesome with this random guy and he got both of us pregnant."
You're like the Miss Manners of anonymous gay sex.
Update on my sex life: my calves are sore from masturbating too much. It's a thing. Look it up.
ok, muffins say "love me", waffles say "fuck me", got it.
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