I feel like I just won at life, no connection sex and free 12 pack of beer after. Does life give out trophies, if so I want a big one.
Turns out vomit takes off spray tan.
was it morally wrong to have used his girlfriends makeup after i fucked him?
But life isn't just all about getting drunk & eating chicken strips.
the only way I will be happy is if my gallon spiderman bucket is full of either popcorn, nutella and peanut butter, or fried rice. CHOOSE WISELY.
If she has AMC, I may have to fuck her today. I want to catch up on the walking dead.
Welp, dad and I drunkenly sang Christmas carols until the police told us to stop. I vote Xmas eve a success
In order to see him, he made me facetime with his penis, which he had drawn a smile face on. Getting laid shouldn't be this difficult.
I need an adult. someone more adult than my current state
A 74 year old man offered to let me sleep on his pull out couch last night.
I'm too stoned to come over for sex
Yes that is a Krispy Kreme doughnut on my cock
I'll be right over
There are both cum and chocolate stains on my sheets. Can't decide whether this is a new low or a new high.
You know you're high when, "Why can't I steal the duck?!" Becomes a serious question.
I tried to cut you?! I'm sorry! PS where's my hair?
I dont need your sympathy!!!! Just a fifth of vodka and gummy bears...lots and lots of gummy bears to take my agression out on.
Randomize
