I left the party when things started to get crazy... and when I say crazy I mean: there was puke on the carpet, Evan was passed out behind a plant, Mary was making out with her ex while her present bf was making out with Nancy. Not to mention that someone fisted the wall. Also - someone is sleeping on your lawn - they might be dead, I didn't check. Later.
I still think their baby is ugly. I also still think it's yours.
whoa...plan B gets you drunker quicker.
hey this is lauren, i have to type for jon because he's convinced the tongs he's holding are his real hands
The man at the Honda dealership told me I smell like vodka and probably shouldn't be driving.
Why the fuck is BBQ sauce coming out of my shower head?
There's a skateboard on the patio and all the chips are gone. The note on the fridge says 'don't buy cheese'. Stop letting her go outside.
The guy at the door just stared only at my boobs and said "I'm gonna let you in." 'Merica
Perfect. Let's do that. I'm thinking everclear and green dye as our base. We shud start from there
If my vagina were a person, it just ran a marathon.
just move with us, we wanted to get a dog. youre kind of the same thing..
I love waking up to reeses ice cream. But I DONT love waking up to it all over my cat. I blame you.
I'm sorry my shit is everywhere... I accidentally got drunk while packing
Got electrocuted a second ago, is it weird that I have a boner?
It was just a hint of nipple. I kept it classy!
Do you even hear yourself?
Randomize
