I woke up and my panties were thumbtacked to his wall. Out of my reach.
I am spending my work day planning my weekend drinking schedule
My room should be renamed "Land of the Misfit Condoms."
so yeah i told her you were going to become a doctor and the first thing she said was "i still don't want to fuck him". i tried.
For the love of God you used a 40 foot extension cord to bungee jump out the off the 2 nd floor
Damn you and your Monday night power hours.
Listen, it's not like I meant to bust the window out. It just sort of happened. And I'm also sorry for stealing your dads bandanas.
I thought this guy walking back to the dorms with his black laundry bag was walking a black flamingo I'm not even kidding I had to take a break on a bench after that.
You're my favorite person
I'm shaved like a Brazilian hooker right now.
I have the flu.
I don't give a shit
All I remember is grabbing a random guys dick at the bar and him just saying thank you and us taking a shot together
He puked in the middle of it and I still wasn't disappointed.
I'll give you one guess. It has a cock and I want it
Umm my dog ate your vibrator. Sorry 😬
Why did I wake up covered in glitter next to a half eaten cheeseburger?
Whose house did we sneak into and play beer pong for 4 hours at last night?
I honestly have no idea
Randomize
