why did i wake up with a kid named Raphael in my bed this morning?
I dont know but you did call last night to tell me you found the last ninja turtle
sexting loses it's worth when you accidentally text your boss.
I just woke up and checked my e-mail, and apparently while drunk I bought a blowtorch. Thought you'd want to know.
I took your shirt off for you after you threw up on yourself, read you the ugly duckling, and then tucked you in. you better fucking love me, jackass.
I may be a little fuzzy on this, but I think at some point I said something about being a generous lover.
All I remember is lecturing my dog about how she's a lucky bitch to have a structured eating and shitting schedule.
Me ending up in the fetal position in my shower is becoming far too commonplace. It's like a weekly therapy session
Based off the amount of cat hair on my poncho....i stole a cat last night.
Didn't have the heart to tell him that while he was eating my ass I was laughing, not moaning, into the pillow
Probably yeah. I mean maybe one day we can be those friends that hang out naked. Not awkard at all.
My mom just told me I look like darth vader. how's your night?
Good news my life of crime finally paid off
Eh, my puke tasted like lemonade, so not too bad
You’re welcome stay at my house. But, you gotta piss in the toilet
just took a pregnancy test before I went out drinking. if that's not drinking responsibly Idk what is.
Randomize
